An Optimal Life
by lil-lies.nmore
Summary: For the last 2 years Xander has had a secret, hiding what had really been going on. And, as a result, had only been hurt in the process by the one who means the most to him. Now it's time for Xander to do what's best for himself; to take control of his life and live it his way. Xander/Angel Slash
1. Chapter 1

Optimal Life

Begins post season 3, after graduation, yet before Angel leaves for L.A. Everything up to the end of Graduation Day, Part Two happens, plus a few extras which will briefly be explained. Just go with it.

Chapter 1 is mostly establishing the backstory, but it needs to be done.

Warnings: Slash, Xander/Angel

Some missing/added scenes between Angel and Xander seasons 1 through 3, and re-write post season 3.

Chapter 1

"So you're just going to, what? Walk away when things get tough."

"That's not why I'm leaving."

"Then why are you leaving?"

"I can't stay here. It's best for me to leave. Staying would be too difficult for everyone involved."

Angel didn't even look up as he gave his answer, only continued to pack the small amount of personal belongs he was bringing with him.

"You mean too difficult for yourself. You know, for an old man, you are quite the coward," Xander responded with a huff, leaning against the doorframe. He wasn't going to let Angel walk away this easily. It's not that Xander was trying to get him to stay, oh no, that time of what could have been between them has come and gone, but Angel has been getting away with being an ass towards him for far too long. And Xander was done putting up with it.

When Angel only responded by putting another item into his bag, Xander continued. "You spent the last year avoiding and ignoring me, and the months before that shoving me aside in favor of Buffy," and while she may be one of his closest friends, he still partly resented her for that, "and if that's not the actions of a coward, then I'm not too sure what is."

"What did you want to happen?" Angel finally turns around to face him, "Should Angelus have given you more attention? Do you wish you were the one receiving his 'love letters'? Or maybe you wanted to be the one put in the hospital bed instead."

Xander bit his cheek and turned away at that, because really, what could he say.

But Angel continued anyway, "And I didn't avoid you this past year. I just didn't develop anything more than what we are. What everyone believes us to be. What we should have always been."

Angels grabs his bags and heads out the door, but stops before he walks away.

"Everything I have done, or haven't done in this case, has been to keep you safe. It's only ever been for you."

With that being said, Angel leaves.

Now alone, tired, angry, and confused over Angel's words, Xander does something he hasn't done is years.

He allows his tears to fall.

x

If he looks back on their history, he knows Angel is right. It makes Xander cringe to think what could have happened to him had they allowed things to develop between them from the start. What Angelus would have done had he thought Xander was worth the time. As horrible as it is to say, Xander is glad Angelus' rage caused him to focus on Buffy and ignore him.

From the very start of this thing, whatever this thing between them even was Xander isn't sure, him an Angel have been all but tiptoeing around each other. Ok, so with Angel it's more like gliding smoothly, while Xander has been trying to quietly dance around, but instead ends up stomping around crazy loud, and tripping over his feet, and falling flat on his face, and getting all bumped and bruised, and possibly ending up with a broken bone or two, and… Ya, ok, this metaphor of his is getting a little out of hand.

But still, tiptoeing.

And it all started two years ago.

Damn Buffy and her drowning.

Him and Angel worked together to find his close friend, and that made him realize, hmm, maybe this vampire-guy isn't so bad after all, and wow, how does he still look that good after running around down here for who knows how long it's been?

It was those thoughts that changed his view of Angel. But he kept it inside. Nothing could or would ever happen between them, so why bother bringing it out into the open. He already went through enough embarrassing moments in his life without needing to cause them himself by admitting his feelings for the guy.

But no matter how many times he tried to tell his heart to 'stop feeling feelings because feeling this kind of feeling isn't fun to feel and you better listen, Heart, or else', his feelings steadily grew stronger for the vampire.

Only said vampire decided to completely surprise Xander by admitting he had feelings too.

Ok, so maybe Angel didn't actually admit it out loud. Like, with _real_ words. Not right away at least. But Xander knew what he meant. Contrary to popular belief, he is quite perceptive.

Which led them on a fun, little yo-yo ride of emotions.

There was the time Angel pretended to offer Xander to Spike at the school, but the entire time Angel held onto him his grip was so soft and gentle; comforting even, and he would use his thumb to subtly rub soothing circles onto Xander's skin.

And the time not long after _that _Halloween night, when Angel offhandedly mentions to Xander he was never a fan of all those proper woman of his time, and instead preferred someone who wasn't afraid to take charge of a situation.

And, ok, maybe he read into that one a little bit, because Buffy sure as hell knows how to take charge, but Angel said it to _him!_ And right after Halloween! When Xander _took charge of a situation!_

Except Xander was also forced to watch Angel date Buffy. But what could he do about it? It's not like anything could ever happen between him and the vampire.

Well, sure, it could partly be his own fault that Angel was dating Buffy in the first place, since Angel may have asked _him_ out a few times first. And that is actually the _real _reason it took Angel so long to further his relationship with Buffy, only doing so after Xander turned him down stating that nothing could or would ever happen between them. Because, hello! Vampire; so _not _into necrophilism! And man; so _not… _ok, maybe am gay… But so _not _out! And even if he could let those first two slide, there was the third reason; my _best friend_ is in love with you! And Xander is a good friend, a _great _friend, and while he may have been selfish (or jealous, but let's not be picky) and 'encouraged' Buffy to end things with Angel, he would _never _hurt his friend by taking the man she loves for himself.

And then there was the kiss.

Not between him and Angel, of course. And Xander _will not_ think about the butterflies currently occupying his stomach at _that _thought.

No, the kiss between him and Queen C in Buffy's basement. But he's a hormonal teenage boy! And it was a stressful situation! Of course they kissed!

And he felt guilty of it immediately following. So he told Angel. He's not sure _why _he felt he needed to tell Angel, they weren't together, after all. Far from it. Angel was dating is best friend, for goodness sake! But he still told him. And after a silent moment, Angel couldn't even look at him as he said, "It's probably for the best," and didn't that make Xander feel even guiltier.

But then he'd be forced to hear about Buffy's wonderful, magical, fairy tale dates with Angel (no, Xander's not bitter), or even worse, have to see them together, and witness all those small smiles, and long looks, and lingering touches. And it was just so hard for Xander to watch, so he continued letting his jealousy get the best of him by making out with Cordelia.

And then _it _happened. The thing that forever changed his view and thoughts of Angel.

Buffy and Angel…sealed their relationship.

And Angelus came to town.

Of course, he didn't know right away that was _how _Angelus became loose, but when he found out he was angry. No, he was flat out pissed. And of course, as always, was jealous. But most of all, Xander was _hurt._

Not just any kind of hurt, because Xander was used to your average, everyday, parents think you're worthless, and friends tend to occasionally use you kind of hurt. This was a true, deep, heart-wrenching _hurt._ Because Angel knew! He knew how Xander felt, and he made Xander believe he felt the same way.

And then he dug deep into Xander's chest, ripped out his heart, threw it to the ground, and jumped on it. All the while licking his hands clean of the blood he was covered in.

Well, not literally, of course. Which it very well could have been because Angel is, after all, now a vampire who was recently turned evil. But Xander's heart is still intact, right in his chest, right where is should be.

Although, if he did mean that literally, it probably would have hurt a hell of a lot less.

So Xander reacted the way any teenage boy would react: with hatred and retaliation.

He made it his mission to hate Angel, and in turn, Angelus, with every fiber of his being. He started the I-Hate-DeadBoy-Club, and all the pain, hurt, and loathing he felt for Angel was enough to make him the President, vice, and all other members of the Club.

But it was ok. He could hate Angel for all the hurt he caused him, because 1) It helped him get through the day and shit that Angelus pulled, and 2) He knew His Angel was gone, and wasn't coming back.

Only Willow found a 'cure'. And Xander couldn't help but feel the slight flutter of butterflies when he found this out, even though he knew when Angel returned it would be ten times more painful to face him.

But as much as it hurt, the thought of seeing His Angel and Buffy back together, he knew he had to let it happen. As much as he knew it would break his heart to hear Angel's voice, possibly feel his touch, and look into his eyes, but not be able to do anything about it, Xander knew he would not, could not, have it another way now that he knew Angel could be brought back to them.

However, in true Scooby fashion, things did not quite go according to plan.

But when Willow decided to try and restore the curse one last time in that hospital bed, Xander did truly run off with the intention of telling Buffy the truth. Except his mind wouldn't stop wondering, 'What if we're too late? What if _I'm _too late? Will Buffy stop Angelus, fight the fight she needs to, if she knows there is a chance Angel could be brought back?' And it was a spur of the moment decision, when he caught up with Buffy, to tell her to "Kick his ass!" Because Xander knew she needed that focus, needed to stay on track of her mission. She needed to do her job and save the world. And Xander also knew Buffy did love Angel, and if Willow was successful with the spell, Buffy would be able to recognize it, she would figure out what was going on.

And Buffy did figure it out. But it was too late.

Angel was gone. Buffy was gone. And Xander felt dead inside.

Right until Angel returned.

And proceeded to treat Xander like crap. Like nothing more than the loser friend of his super hot ex-girl.

The year after Angel was brought back from that hell he was in, he treated Xander exactly as he treated him the year before. Only now, it was not just in front of the others. It was when they found themselves alone together as well.

Except, no, that's not quite right either. Angel treated him worse than that. He truly treated Xander as if he meant nothing to him; he ignored him.

Xander is used to being ignored. By his parents, by his teachers, by his friends. He hated it, but he was used to it, so he learned to brush it off with sarcasm and jokes. But he'd confided in Angel one night oh so long ago. He told the vampire how that reaction from others hurt him most, and pushed him hardest.

So Angel _knew_ how much he was hurting Xander.

And looking back, Xander realizes that was the plan all along, wasn't it? That was the point of this last year, to get Xander to hate him. To push him too hard. Angel had known from the beginning he would leave eventually. So he pushed him away in order to make it easier on Xander. And to make it so Xander wouldn't ask him to stay.

Also, so that leaving at the end of everything, would be simpler for Angel.

The sneaky little coward!

"That's why you did it? That's what you meant by you 'did it for me'?" Xander asks the night, from his spot against the same doorway long after Angel leaves. "Pushing me away, knowing you wouldn't be staying. Making me hate you, or trying to at least, so watching you leave wouldn't be as hard."

Xander shakes his head with a small smile as he heads to his car. "Sorry, but you don't get to decide what's best for me, deadboy."

And as Xander drives away, heading home to pack his own bag, he can't help but think, _especially since what's best for me is you._

x

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	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, review, and follow this story. I have a feeling this is going to be my baby for a while to come!

An Optimal Life

**Chapter 2**

Xander jumps out of his beat up, barely running, may even blow up unexpectedly, piece of junk car. He managed to buy it as a graduation gift for himself, and at this moment couldn't be happier he made that decision.

He also managed to find himself with a brand-spanking-new basement apartment. That was his _parent's _graduation gift to him; kick Xander out of the house, and make him pay rent! Thanks mom and dad!

Xander quickly races down the stairs, and grabs his duffle bag. He throws the essentials; a few changes of clothes, his toiletries, a couple comic books (yes, those are essentials), a few candy bars, a photo of himself with his two best girls, and the envelope he had hidden in his dresser. Inside held just over $1100 cash. He had been saving this since he was a kid from unexpected extra money gained here and there; when he would help his elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her house, and she thanked him with a glass of lemonade and a dollar bill, it went in the envelope; when his mom gave him $10 to go see a movie with Jesse and Willow, the change went in the envelope; every quarter found on the street, every nickel found in the sofa went into the envelope; even the $100 extra he had left over from when he'd saved for and bought his car. All went into the envelope. It was his emergency fund, to be used only in the most dire, life or death situation.

Well, Angel was his life, and Xander will die without him. So this totally counts.

Besides, his parents just made him pay first and last two days ago, which effectively drained his bank account. He needs the extra money.

As he tosses the last of his things into the bag, he grabs the phone, and dials the familiar number without even looking.

"Hello?"

"Will! Miss me?"

Willow gave a small laugh before responding, "Xander, I just saw you a couple hours ago. What's going on? Why are you calling so late? Is everything ok?"

And Xander wanted to say, 'No, Will, nothing is ok. Because Angel is gone. And why does that bother me? Because I think I maybe could, possibly, might, probably be kinda sorta in love with the guy. Sorry I forgot to mention that to you at any point in the last 2 years. And, oh yeah, I think he feels the same about me, and I'm actually the _real _reason he left Sunnydale. So I'm going to go find him now, because he is my world, and maybe we'll get to have some sort of vampire/human version of happily ever after.'

Right. Like that would go over well.

So instead Xander says, "Everything is fine, Will. I've just been up thinking, and have decided I need a break from Sunnydale for a little while. All the monsters and boogiemen and giant bugs and reptiles are kinda getting to me, you know?"

"Of course I understand, Xander. You have been saying for a while now you want to take a little trip after graduation. That's why you bought your car."

And it's true, he was planning on taking a road trip. Which is why he has the perfect excuse.

"Exactly! So, I'm calling to tell you I'm leaving. For a little bit. To, you know, find…um…myself," That's what people do on those kinds of road trips, right?

"I think that's a wonderful idea!" Willow exclaimed, "You could really use the break, I'm sure. We've all been through so much these past few years…"

_Oh, Will, you have no idea_.

"…and getting away would be good for you. Take some time for yourself! Figure out what you want to do with your life. And then when you return, maybe you can enroll at community college. Or start an internship! Oooooh, this is so exciting, Xander, I can't wait to talk to you about this more tomorrow! When do you think you'll leave? In a couple weeks? And don't get me wrong, I love you and love talking to you any time of day, but did you really need to wake me up to tell me this? I was having a great dream! You know, the one where I get sent back in time and live with the dinosaurs and become friends with an Apatosaurus, and live in a tree house which he guards when I sleep…"

Xander couldn't help but smile through Willow's blabbering, even with his heart growing heavy at some of her questions.

"And you named him Xan-sse. Of course I know the dream, Wills. You've been having it since you were 6." And before Willow gets a chance to tell him about Xan-sse saving her from the Pterodactyl, "And, no, I'm not leaving in a couple weeks. That's why I woke you, which, so sorry about that. I'm leaving in a couple minutes."

Then there was Willow silence. Which kind of sounds like regular silence, but in actuality is so much worse. Because Willow is only silent to Xander when she is really mad, or really sad.

Xander is kind of hoping for mad.

"…Xander…?"

Nope, she's sad. Damn.

"Willow, I know you really wanted to spend some more time with me before I left, but it's just something I really need to do."

"But, you could just wait a few days…"

"I can't, Willow."

"But, you could just wait until tomorrow…"

"I can't, Will."

"But…"

Xander sighs. He really doesn't want to hurt his best friend, but he has to leave _now_ if he is going to catch up with Angel.

"Willow, you are my best friend. My absolute, one hundred percent, bestest friend in the whole wide world. And I love you. And I don't want you to be sad," and Xander just knows Willow is beginning to smile, and that makes him rush on, "But I _am_ leaving, Will. Tonight. I'm sorry. Please tell Buffy too. I'll miss you, and I'll call you when I can"

And Xander hangs up the phone.

He knows he is being harsh, leaving her hanging like that. And she'll probably call back. But if he stayed on the line any longer he _would_ give into her. And stay. And lose Angel.

Again.

Xander will not let that happen.

So he grabs his bag, and rushes out the door to his car.

The house phone left ringing behind him.

x

As Xander backs out of the driveway and heads down the street, he can only wonder where he will go. Angel didn't exactly leave a forwarding address, and do vampires even get mail? Xander can't help but be curious.

He figures he'll just head towards the freeway, and go from there. Angel lived in Los Angeles before moving to Sunnydale, maybe he still has a place there.

Or maybe he has a place _anywhere. _He's a vampire! Centuries old! There are countless places he could be.

But Xander will check each and every one if he has to.

He really hopes he doesn't have to.

Xander realizes it's kind of crazy for him to be chasing after Angel, when he has no destination in mind, but maybe he'll get lucky and catch up with him. It hasn't been too long, just over an hour. He may not have gotten too far ahead. He could still catch up. He _will _catch up. He will find Angel.

Somehow.

And as Xander drives towards the edge of town, he notices a car parked near the gates to a cemetery.

Angel's car.

Ok, that was easy.

And, admittedly, anti-climatic. Part of Xander had really been hoping for an adventurous search.

Parking behind the other car, Xander gets out of his own and walks towards it. Just to double check. Maybe it's not Angel's. Maybe someone else has an identical make. And color. And license plate.

It could happen.

Although part of him wishes it isn't Angel's car and he can continue on with his adventure, the rest of Xander really hopes it is.

Angel's bag is in the passenger seat.

Yup, it's probably definitely Angel's car.

"Xander."

Xander yelps and turns around in a flash. "Don't _do _that! Collar. Bell. One more time sneaking up on me and that will no longer be just a threat!"

Angel continues looking at Xander. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" Xander throws his hands up, "What are _you _doing here? You left! You're supposed to be halfway to who knows where by now! Not scaring me half to death. I thought you were gone. You made the big, dramatic exit, final parting words and all."

"I got distracted," Angel gestures to the cemetery.

Xander crossed his arms, "What, did you see Buffy patrolling and need to give her a goodbye kiss."

And, yes, that was a low blow considering not too long before now Angel had admitted his feelings to Xander. Or at least that's the conclusion Xander came to. But even so, Xander was still bitter over Angel's treatment of him the last two years.

"I saw some vamps. Took care of them. I planned to leave now. Except you're standing in my way," Angel pointedly looked at the car behind Xander.

Xander leaned back against the driver's side door.

Angel sighs. "Why are you here?" he repeats.

Xander remains silent.

"Go home, Xander," Angel says, as he walks to Xander's car, "it's not safe for you to be out this late alone." He opens the driver's side door, hoping Xander will take the hint and get in. Instead, Xander just watches his every move. He knows Angel's movements so well by now, having spent many nights just watching him. Which is how Xander was able to tell the moment Angel noticed Xander's duffle bag in the passenger seat of his own car, by the slight tense in Angel's shoulders.

"See, I can't exactly do that," Xander starts, "Something happened earlier. Things were said, then thoughts were had. But questions weren't answered," Xander pushes off the car behind him, and slowly walks towards his own car where Angel still stands. "And, you know me, I never did learn to just leave things well enough alone. So I packed a bag, and began my search to find you. Didn't exactly think it would be this easy, though, but I wont complain about less work."

Xander stops in front of Angel.

"We need to talk."

"There is nothing to talk about," Angel says, "Nothing left to say. Everything that needed to be said was said earlier."

"You see, that's not exactly true now, is it? You got to say your part, but then you left me in the dust before it had a chance to sink in. So now it's my turn."

Angel steps around Xander and heads towards his car, "My leaving is my decision. You don't get a say. Goodbye Xander." He opens the door to his car.

_Oh no you don't! _Xander thinks, and follows after Angel.

"Why did you leave?" And that may have come out a little louder and desperate than he wanted it to, but Angel was now climbing into his car. And that tone at least caused Angel pause.

"I told you."

"No," Growing angry, Xander grabs a hold of the door before Angel gets the chance to close it, "the _real _reason. Why did you push me away all year? Why did you make me hate you?"

Angel tries to pull the door closed, but Xander has a good grip.

"You are leaving tonight for a reason, and not to sound conceited, but I have a pretty strong feeling it has a lot to do with me. So why?"

"Xander…" Angel sighs, and tries the door again.

And by now, Xander is practically yelling, "Tell me!"

Angel steps out of the car.

"I did," By Angel's tone, Xander knows he his getting worked up now as well, "It's for the best. For you. To keep you safe."

Xander huffs, and spreads his arms wide, "From what, Angel!" he yells.

"From me!"

For a moment there is silence, to two just looking at each other. The man with a look of confusion, the vampire with a look of sadness.

Angel is the first to break the silence.

"You saw what happened when I got too close to Buffy," he softly says.

And didn't Xander just hate _that _being brought up.

"I will not allow that to happen again. Especially not with you."

Xander bites his lip. "I didn't realize the thought of, um, being…with me, was so awful for you."

"That's not what I mean, Xander."

After letting a moment pass, and Angel not elaborating, Xander asks, "Then what do you mean? You just said you wouldn't allow yourself to _be_ with someone, especially not me."

"Not because I don't want to. But because I want to so much, that I am scared of what would happen to you after."

Xander did not understand, and it must have shown on his face, because Angel continued.

"After I was intimate with Buffy, Angelus made it his mission to torture her. I don't even want to think about what he would do to you if he became loose again. I won't let him hurt you."

And is Xander crazy for finding that kind of romantic?

Taking a moment to think about Angel's words, Xander finally says, "How can you be so sure he would be set loose again? I know I'm a hormonal teenage guy, but I'm not quite at _that _stage with you. And isn't you leaving me here behind, and both of us being miserable and alone, just another way of hurting me? Sure, Angelus could literally rip my heart out, and yeah, ouch, that would really, truly suck. But Angel? You packing up and leaving me in the middle of the night is also ripping my heart out. Only in a much less messy, but much more painful way."

They are silent for a couple of minutes, each thinking of the others words, and their own feelings.

However, Xander never did do well with long bouts of silence.

"Look, its really late, I'm really tired, and we killed a giant snake-shaped mayor earlier tonight. Let's not make any rash decisions right now, like running away in the middle of the night because you're afraid of your alter-ego hurting me." And one last try, "I know you're only going because you think it's what is best, but you don't really want to leave Sunnydale. Don't really want to leave me. Because if you did you would be gone."

Xander really hoped he is right about that.

"You're right."

_Yes!_

"But I do still think it is best for me to leave. I came here for Buffy. To help her. To guide her. I am no longer needed here."

"Yeah, well, that's not exactly true," Xander mumbles, knowing full well Angel can hear him. "But either way, let's go back to the mansion. At least for the night. We can discuss this more, or not and just let this little chat register. I'm not saying you can't leave, who am I to tell someone your age what to do!" Xander smiles, and he's relieved to see Angel quirk his lips, "Just don't leave because you think it's what is 'best for me'. Don't push me away if you don't truly want to."

Hesitating a moment, Xander tentatively asks, "Do you truly want me out of your life."

And though the response seemed to take forever, when Angel finally spoke, Xander could hear the complete and utter truth in his voice.

"No."

So they each got into their respective cars, and drove to the mansion on Crawford St.

x

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